he texted me this morning

asking if he could say something for closure…”nothing derogatory.” 

it has shaped/shaken my whole day. i feel deeply broken by him…and by this experience. Lisa says broken is a word i should work on changing for myself - so that my brain doesn’t continue to break itself more **my interpretation**…what does one do with a broken brain? break the body, break the heart, break the vision. beauty has always been a skewed subject for me. as long as i can remember. 

when i feel broken i want to intensify the misery. is that natural? not sure…it’s what i’ve always craved. i think it has to do with why i love the rain so much…it mirrors my emotions. i have visions of going back to vista middle school and reliving those experiences when i feel like this. i have visions of moving to a trailer park and never working again when i feel like this. i want to put myself somewhere where people have LOW expectations, if any at all. in middle school - no one probably expected much of me - but i kicked my ass and got a 4.0 the whole time. who cares about middle school grades? i did. 

i put my 2 weeks in at my job today. bitter/sweet. mostly sweet. they didn’t like my school schedule. #sorrynotsorry…school comes first always. above a corporate, getting by, job. i won’t have income…good thing i took out loans. i need a car. first order of business when loan money comes in…find a car. bleh. moneymoneymoney. i hate it. so much. i wish there was less importance put on such bullshit. but doesn’t every poor person say that? i would like to think some rich people do too. i hope. 

these are my thoughts of today. 
oh yeah - and Manis forgot his wintergreen tictacs here.. i thought he meant he ate one tictac from his shoe when he said it fell through his pocket…not the whole box. makes much more sense with the box.

now, tea and once upon a time. i need to disappear for a while.